I am. Most of the time it gets the best of me. I feel like if I portray this picture of a girl who has everything together, then maybe people won't see my shame, blame, or self-judgement. I hate being told what I'm doing wrong, or being told that I did a little thing incorrectly because I will take that information, and tear it apart trying to figure out how I could have mad an error. I fear that people will think less of me if they see my flaws, and I don't feel I've achieved anything if I had troubles along the way. I don't count something as a success unless I did it perfectly, and spotlessly. I hate when I make a mistake and people notice because that means that I have disappointed not only myself, but others as well. I cover things up that I feel I've mistaken on. I accept blame that isn't mine even though no one knows I do it. I do it because I feel like if someone else deserves it, then I surely do. I blame myself, I beat myself up about it, I analyze every possible mistake, I internalize, and I despise myself until I feel the error has been made up for. I long for reassurance that I'm doing something right, but even when I get it, I don't feel deserving. I can't allow myself to accept imperfection, but that's pretty much what my life is because I can't meet my own standards. This wasn't brought on to me by my parents, my siblings, my coworkers or bosses, I didn't pick this up from school, or anything. I don't know how I got this way, but it hinders me from a lot of things. If I feel that I can't achieve something, I won't even try. Whether I could or couldn't have done it, I would have rather suffered the repercussions of not trying, then trying and failing. I believe myself to be a failure, and I believe that if something is less then perfect, then it's not good enough for my own self satisfaction. I know I should do better, but I can't get myself to do better. I don't know what's worse, disappointing myself, or someone else.
This is something that stems from everything that I've been through. I can't get myself to believe that I am acceptable because of my flaws. I know that this isn't fair, and I've learned to not turn emotional problems into physical scars, but sometimes, life builds up so much speed, that I hit a brick wall going 100 miles per hour, and end up cracking. This is my crack, blaming myself for a days worth of someone else's mistakes...
