You know that feeling when you let your guard down, but the moment you do, someone takes advantage? You know that feeling where everyday you wake up and see the person that you so desperately love, and they can't even look you in the eye? This doesn't have to be a romance type of love. This could be a dear friend, a close relative. Anyone you can feel rejection from. I'm going through that right now. It's not the first time. I have this problem of getting my heart attached to someone. I often choose the wrong people, at the wrong time. I have this problem of taking kindness for caring. There have been a handfull distinct people in my life that I have loved unconditionally, and in the end got hurt. I need to talk about them.
1. My mentor.
Her name was Tiffany. She was the woman I could go to for anything. She was the one that if I ever got into trouble, or ever needed to confess, I could go to her, and trust that I would get a hug, a prayer, and a discipline. I don't know what draws me to certain people. I don't know if it is their personality or what. But She was one of them. I was drawn to the support she could give me during a very damning time in my life. Tiffany was one of those people who no matter what you did, she could never make you feel guilty. I met her one year at my school, she was one of the women who came to talk to students, and we worked together for a few years. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to realize that she had left me too. When people that mean so much to you leave, it causes you to question yourself even more. This happened to me. I stood about a year without her before I let myself confess that I was hurt. It's a daily battle to allow myself to move on.
2. My coach
Her name was Kammy. She was my volleyball coach. She was different. Not loving, but harsh. When you needed someone, you could go to her though. She showed her soft side with me. But she went off the deep end. I miss her. She will always have an impact on my life, no matter what.
3. My friend.
Her name is Portia. She was my computer teacher. Her and I became friends around the time that I got diagnosed with cancer. She has been here for me through everything. This isn't a way I got hurt, but I don't see her a lot. We text and call, but we can't talk face to face very much. She means the world to me. But I know that there are just some people that you can't see a lot, but you have to remain friends to stay sane. That's the case with both of us. I know that this is something that she needs just as much as I do. Sometimes, even when you have someone who is there , it's hard to realize it.
4. My coworker.
Her name is Penelope. She doesn't have a clue. She doesn't know anything about me either. We simply, work together. That's all. This is a person who I am afraid to get too attached to. I feel myself, and I tell myself to stop. But I don't know how.
Some of the people in our life come in and leave suddenly, some stay a while, and some, they never really were there. A lot of my relationships end in a bad way. I think it may be simply because I am incapable of holding a normal relationship. It's hard for me to completely understand why we are given people who will eventually hurt us. But no matter the case, we have to trust that there are people who will change our lives forever. God will use these people for greatness in our lives. I hope that you can see that you're not the only one who feels like they have failed in relationships. I hope that you see that you're not alone, and someone will always understand.
xoxox
Monday, February 18, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Self Help
Have you ever thought about yourself, and really evaluated the way that you work, think, and act? Have you stopped and thought to yourself, how am I doing? What do I need to do for myself? How can I learn more about myself?
I've done this a few times the past few weeks. I've stopped and thought about what I am doing to keep myself healthy while I try to keep others healthy. I don't want you to take this the wrong way. I love everything I do, I'm so blessed by people, and I look forward to the future that Beautifully Made has for me. But that doesn't mean that I'm perfect and that doesn't mean that I don't have bad days. With Beautifully Made, Kaylie and I had a decision to make. We could either be fake and pretend that we had no problems, had nothing to work past. Or we could tell the truth. Talk about what we had experienced, and what we felt. We decided to take that path. So here it goes.
I get attached too easy. I love people who I know may never love me. My heart doesn't know how to put up walls. I get hurt too much. Everyone I have ever loved has left me. People don't like to be with me. And sometimes.. just sometimes, I fall for the same old tricks. I never realize how much I have given to someone, until I loose them. I have lost parts of my heart that I will never get back. I have a loving mom that will always be the strongest woman in my life, but there are wounds that even our most loved people give us. I want someone who I can be close to, tell anything to, and know that I don't have to worry about them leaving. I know my mom won't leave, but there are always things you can never tell your parents. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever hold a normal relationship. I always seem to mess it up. I blame myself for other's actions. I let my past determine my future. I wish someone would ask me what's really wrong so I could get it off my chest. But They don't...
I can't tell you how many things I have burned into my memory of things that were said or done. A lot of times, this is what runs through our heads. Especially during hard times as it's been for me these past few weeks. It has been one emotional roller coaster after another. It is easy to let yourself get down during these hard times. I know, I have fallen guilty of that.
Here are 6 tips you can use to take care of yourself in difficult times
1. Get plenty of sleep.
- It's been proven that the earlier you go to sleep, and the earlier you wake up, the better your mood is throughout the day. If you sleep the typical hours of 9:30 to 6:30-7, you can get 8-8 1/2 hours of sleep to help rejuvenate yourself.
2. Drink water
- Water is something that you think you will always remember. But when you are stressed, some of the most important things that you think you won't forget, you end up not realizing you need it until it's too late.
3. Eat well.
- Sometimes all you need to make sure that you can keep your health up, and keep your body functioning is healthy eating. It doesn't take much to cook healthy. Just make sure that you are getting enough to eat, and keeping your diet regular. You don't want to forget to eat, and end up passing out.
4. Do what YOU like
- I like to write and draw. I sing and I listen to music. I use these things to get my energy out, and my attention off of things. It is therapeutic to me. Find something that is soothing and relaxing to you, and don't be afraid to do it. It will help refresh you in the middle of the day, and it will help you gain more knowledge about what you like and what your interests are.
5. Exercise
- Walk, run, jog, swim, lift weights. Anything that will help you feel better, and helps you get energy and stress out. I jog when I am angry or stressed, and it helps me get all of my emotions out, and feel better. I don't have to worry about snapping, because all of that energy that I would be using to snap, is being pushed into my work out.
6. Talk
- Let people in. Even if you get asked the same questions, or have to give the same answers. When people ask what's wrong, and volunteer their time to listen never let that offer go. They are always willing to help, and you need it. You shouldn't feel bad about it either. You deserve it.
I hope that you know how much you all mean to Beautifully Made. I can't express how much love and support we have gotten, and I consider each and every one of you friends. Friends through cause.
Much Love
xoxo
I've done this a few times the past few weeks. I've stopped and thought about what I am doing to keep myself healthy while I try to keep others healthy. I don't want you to take this the wrong way. I love everything I do, I'm so blessed by people, and I look forward to the future that Beautifully Made has for me. But that doesn't mean that I'm perfect and that doesn't mean that I don't have bad days. With Beautifully Made, Kaylie and I had a decision to make. We could either be fake and pretend that we had no problems, had nothing to work past. Or we could tell the truth. Talk about what we had experienced, and what we felt. We decided to take that path. So here it goes.
I get attached too easy. I love people who I know may never love me. My heart doesn't know how to put up walls. I get hurt too much. Everyone I have ever loved has left me. People don't like to be with me. And sometimes.. just sometimes, I fall for the same old tricks. I never realize how much I have given to someone, until I loose them. I have lost parts of my heart that I will never get back. I have a loving mom that will always be the strongest woman in my life, but there are wounds that even our most loved people give us. I want someone who I can be close to, tell anything to, and know that I don't have to worry about them leaving. I know my mom won't leave, but there are always things you can never tell your parents. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever hold a normal relationship. I always seem to mess it up. I blame myself for other's actions. I let my past determine my future. I wish someone would ask me what's really wrong so I could get it off my chest. But They don't...
I can't tell you how many things I have burned into my memory of things that were said or done. A lot of times, this is what runs through our heads. Especially during hard times as it's been for me these past few weeks. It has been one emotional roller coaster after another. It is easy to let yourself get down during these hard times. I know, I have fallen guilty of that.
Here are 6 tips you can use to take care of yourself in difficult times
1. Get plenty of sleep.
- It's been proven that the earlier you go to sleep, and the earlier you wake up, the better your mood is throughout the day. If you sleep the typical hours of 9:30 to 6:30-7, you can get 8-8 1/2 hours of sleep to help rejuvenate yourself.
2. Drink water
- Water is something that you think you will always remember. But when you are stressed, some of the most important things that you think you won't forget, you end up not realizing you need it until it's too late.
3. Eat well.
- Sometimes all you need to make sure that you can keep your health up, and keep your body functioning is healthy eating. It doesn't take much to cook healthy. Just make sure that you are getting enough to eat, and keeping your diet regular. You don't want to forget to eat, and end up passing out.
4. Do what YOU like
- I like to write and draw. I sing and I listen to music. I use these things to get my energy out, and my attention off of things. It is therapeutic to me. Find something that is soothing and relaxing to you, and don't be afraid to do it. It will help refresh you in the middle of the day, and it will help you gain more knowledge about what you like and what your interests are.
5. Exercise
- Walk, run, jog, swim, lift weights. Anything that will help you feel better, and helps you get energy and stress out. I jog when I am angry or stressed, and it helps me get all of my emotions out, and feel better. I don't have to worry about snapping, because all of that energy that I would be using to snap, is being pushed into my work out.
6. Talk
- Let people in. Even if you get asked the same questions, or have to give the same answers. When people ask what's wrong, and volunteer their time to listen never let that offer go. They are always willing to help, and you need it. You shouldn't feel bad about it either. You deserve it.
I hope that you know how much you all mean to Beautifully Made. I can't express how much love and support we have gotten, and I consider each and every one of you friends. Friends through cause.
Much Love
xoxo
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Heartsick Valentines
Today is valentines day. I got two stuffed monkeys from my mom, some chocolates, and a bouquet of flowers. It made me feel so special. My coworkers were all in a good mood, and we had fun working. I was lucky. But, all day long, there was this string tugging at my heart. As the day progressed, it tugged harder and harder.
It all started with a picture posted on instagram. My friend's father had put 18 red roses in her car on the dash board, and a box of chocolates, and then given her a bracelet that said 'daughter' that was in the shape of half of a heart, and he had one that said 'father'. His was the other half of the heart. This was a really sweet gesture. I envied that. My gift from my father was a two sentenced email. And then we got into a fight.
If my dad can't love me, then how is a boyfriend going to? I am really analytical of myself. I blame myself. I can help other people, but can't seem to take my own advice. I get attached to people, but don't have expectations of them. When they mess up, that just validates my point. Today was one of those days where you just wanted to blink and it would be over.
I know you probably don't want to read my complaints. After all, I'm who you're supposed to come to when you need to talk. But sometimes you need to heal the healers. And my form of healing is through writing. So I wrote something.
Heartsick Valentines
It's a heartsick valentines.
The old man is sitting in the booth. Today is his first without her. The mom watching her children play, it's their first with him gone. The family across the street will burry their father tomorrow. The girl behind the counter wishes he'd make today different. The woman in the black misses the bouquet. The man in the hospital room sits next to her bed, stroking her hair.
It's a heartsick valentines.
He walks out, knowing this is the last time he'll see her. The teacher tries not to cry as her student's laugh with joy. The man wrapping the flowers for customers just placed the ones for his mom on her grave. The woman at the coffee shop waits for her phone to ring. Waking her from this nightmare. She hope's she wasn't wrong about him.
It's a heartsick valentines.
Why can't today be different? Why can't we have one more chance to show each other what we feel? Why can't we just have a second chance to pretend like we didn't mess all of this up? Today was supposed to be happy. People are suffering. How do you take a moment to remember your love when you're running out of time?
Why is it a heartsick valentines?
It all started with a picture posted on instagram. My friend's father had put 18 red roses in her car on the dash board, and a box of chocolates, and then given her a bracelet that said 'daughter' that was in the shape of half of a heart, and he had one that said 'father'. His was the other half of the heart. This was a really sweet gesture. I envied that. My gift from my father was a two sentenced email. And then we got into a fight.
If my dad can't love me, then how is a boyfriend going to? I am really analytical of myself. I blame myself. I can help other people, but can't seem to take my own advice. I get attached to people, but don't have expectations of them. When they mess up, that just validates my point. Today was one of those days where you just wanted to blink and it would be over.
I know you probably don't want to read my complaints. After all, I'm who you're supposed to come to when you need to talk. But sometimes you need to heal the healers. And my form of healing is through writing. So I wrote something.
Heartsick Valentines
It's a heartsick valentines.
The old man is sitting in the booth. Today is his first without her. The mom watching her children play, it's their first with him gone. The family across the street will burry their father tomorrow. The girl behind the counter wishes he'd make today different. The woman in the black misses the bouquet. The man in the hospital room sits next to her bed, stroking her hair.
It's a heartsick valentines.
He walks out, knowing this is the last time he'll see her. The teacher tries not to cry as her student's laugh with joy. The man wrapping the flowers for customers just placed the ones for his mom on her grave. The woman at the coffee shop waits for her phone to ring. Waking her from this nightmare. She hope's she wasn't wrong about him.
It's a heartsick valentines.
Why can't today be different? Why can't we have one more chance to show each other what we feel? Why can't we just have a second chance to pretend like we didn't mess all of this up? Today was supposed to be happy. People are suffering. How do you take a moment to remember your love when you're running out of time?
Why is it a heartsick valentines?
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