Seasons

You know that feeling when you let your guard down, but the moment you do, someone takes advantage? You know that feeling where everyday you wake up and see the person that you so desperately love, and they can't even look you in the eye? This doesn't have to be a romance type of love. This could be a dear friend, a close relative. Anyone you can feel rejection from. I'm going through that right now. It's not the first time. I have this problem of getting my heart attached to someone. I often choose the wrong people, at the wrong time. I have this problem of taking kindness for caring. There have been a handfull distinct people in my life that I have loved unconditionally, and in the end got hurt. I need to talk about them.

1. My mentor.
Her name was Tiffany. She was the woman I could go to for anything. She was the one that if I ever got into trouble, or ever needed to confess, I could go to her, and trust that I would get a hug, a prayer, and a discipline. I don't know what draws me to certain people. I don't know if it is their personality or what. But She was one of them. I was drawn to the support she could give me during a very damning time in my life. Tiffany was one of those people who no matter what you did, she could never make you feel guilty. I met her one year at my school, she was one of the women who came to talk to students, and we worked together for a few years. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to realize that she had left me too. When people that mean so much to you leave, it causes you to question yourself even more. This happened to me. I stood about a year without her before I let myself confess that I was hurt. It's a daily battle to allow myself to move on.

2. My coach
Her name was Kammy. She was my volleyball coach. She was different. Not loving, but harsh. When you needed someone, you could go to her though. She showed her soft side with me. But she went off the deep end. I miss her. She will always have an impact on my life, no matter what.

3. My friend.
Her name is Portia. She was my computer teacher. Her and I became friends around the time that I got diagnosed with cancer. She has been here for me through everything. This isn't a way I got hurt, but I don't see her a lot. We text and call, but we can't talk face to face very much. She means the world to me. But I know that there are just some people that you can't see a lot, but you have to remain friends to stay sane. That's the case with both of us. I know that this is something that she needs just as much as I do. Sometimes, even when you have someone who is there , it's hard to realize it.

4. My coworker.
Her name is Penelope. She doesn't have a clue. She doesn't know anything about me either. We simply, work together. That's all. This is a person who I am afraid to get too attached to. I feel myself, and I tell myself to stop. But I don't know how.

Some of the people in our life come in and leave suddenly, some stay a while, and some, they never really were there. A lot of my relationships end in a bad way. I think it may be simply because I am incapable of holding a normal relationship. It's hard for me to completely understand why we are given people who will eventually hurt us. But no matter the case, we have to trust that there are people who will change our lives forever. God will use these people for greatness in our lives. I hope that you can see that you're not the only one who feels like they have failed in relationships. I hope that you see that you're not alone, and someone will always understand.

xoxox